Gag me with a Churro stick.

I didn't know there could be anything in the world more vomit-inducing than Heidi, Spencer, and their love affair with the paparazzi.






Alas, they've managed to outdo themselves: gagging each other with Taco Bell WHILE posing for the sad exchange of media attention.

And yes, that is them posing in a drive-thru window. Would make a lovely engagement card, no?

And winner of the worst movie ever goes to...

While I was in New York, I took some time out of the job hunting schedule to watch a movie. What followed I cannot quite explain. I must've been in a trance as it's the only way I could've possibly sat through the most confusing, directionless movie I'd never heard of. I kept hitting the info guide button for a plot synopsis and hoping to make sense of it all. But sense was never found. Though I did somehow find the determination to sit through The Learning Tree's entirety like doing so was a test of my fortitude.



Unfortunately I received nothing for my fortitude besides a numb ass and the need to do something with my life that didn't involve a TV.



Upon further research, I find the Learning Tree is a Gordon Parks classic (he's best known as the director of Shaft)

Here's the IMDB synopsis:
The story, set in Kansas during the 1920's, covers less than a year in the life of a black teenager, and documents the veritable deluge of events which force him into sudden manhood. The family relationships and enmities, the fears, frustrations and ambitions of the black teenager in small-town America are explored with a strong statement about human values. Gordon Parks directed, wrote, produced and composed the music score for the film, which is based on his autobiographical novel.

Quite a bold statement. I can only agree, that yes, it was quite the "deluge of events", considering every time the plot changed course and I once again saw a glimmer of hope in a story line -- it quickly faded into another dead end. Frustrations, fears, and ambitions for more belonged to both the main character and me, the viewer. But 'strong statement about human values'? ....

I would've had more luck finding those had I just stared out my Chelsea apartment window at the homeless guy with his hand down his pants.

We from da street, Sesame.

Never judge a rapper's style by his color.



Black, white, orange, yellow, skin or felt-covered -- we all can bring the flow.

And with this beautiful sunny fall weather, what better time for me to compile my "outdoorsy" list of places to spend your beer money and better seasons in Atlanta?

#10 - The collective patios of Noche/Fontaine's/Everybody's Pizza/La Tavola
Virginia Highlands.


I realize this is actually four restaurants sharing one L-shaped N'Awlins-esque porch. But, given that it's nearly impossible to tell a difference between them based on the backside alone, they're one for purposes of this blog. After all, the commitment to one establishment inevitably leads you, at some point, through the doors of an adjacent one. Whether it's downing oysters while waiting for a table at La Tavola, or grabbing a slice before rendezvous-ing with mojitos at Noche... Betcha can't go to just one.

#9 Cafe di Sol, Poncey-Highlands.


This is a great patio for three reasons: A good shareable menu, my favorite kinds of beverage (sangria, mojitos), and a covered, casual front patio. All perfect for people watching in any weather.

#8 Osteria 832, Virginia Highlands.



Decent food, plenty of patio space, a central happenin' location, and a laid back vibe. A good start to the evening or to chill when you have no plans of going anywhere. A something-for-everyone kind of place.

#7 Zocalo, Midtown.



I mean, come on. What could be better than people watching on the fruitiest and arguably freakiest block in Atlanta? Well, I'll tell you: weirdo-watching from an open-air bar with chips and salsa near one hand and a seriously strong (knock you on your ass) margarita in the other.

#6 Brewhouse Pub, Little Five Points.

A fantastic patio. Great food (I went last night after our agency's kickball team for beer specials and flip cup. Surprised to find my vegetable stack with polenta was the kind of meal you'd expect from a classier, sit-down restaurant) Plenty of TVs to blur the lines of outdoor-enjoyment and watching sports all day. Pleases both hippie and yuppie sensibilities.

#5 Krog Bar, Inman Park.



This is for the classier breed of patio drinkers. The ones that prefer sampling cheeses and sipping Chianti over cracking peanuts and chugging cheap beer. In fact, of this list, I'd suggest this as the best place to bring a date...or anyone you're trying to impress with your porch-entertaining know-how.

#4 Hand in Hand, Virginia Highlands.



The epicenter of good weather, good-natured outdoor dining and drinking. Conveniently located to another fine specimen of this species - Neighbors. If the weather is nice, you can rest assured these sibling spaces will be packed with laughing, happy, shiny people.

#3 Tap, Midtown.

Reasons why: Always packed, great beer selection, and a hip vibe that could possibly border on trying too hard (but thankfully not quite). Oh yeah, and it's right next to my office building.



Reasons why not: overpriced, often overcrowded, and menu items that are sometimes plain over-thought. Gastropubs, to me, scream simplicity in ingredients and presentation. You can't make pretzels and cheese dip fancy. So why are you trying?

#2 Sweetwater Brewery, Buckhead-ish/under I-85 oasis of beer-brewing.



Atlanta's best (and in my book, only noteworthy) brewery. The tasting hours on weekdays (between 5:30 and 7) are packed with young professionals looking to unwind. A cheap entry fee at the door gets you enough vouchers to blur the lines between taste-testing and binge-drinking. Tip the waitresses well and your "sample" sizes switch to to-the-brim pours. People bring their dogs and, often times, there's live music. Oh yea, and you get the glass as a keepsake.


#1 Park Tavern, Midtown



Easily my go-to choice when I think, "My goodness, this beautiful fall weather calls for doing something outdoorsy. And by outdoorsy, I mean having a beer and watching other people be active."

So, come with me, sit outside, enjoy live music, dogs running around sniffing each other's butts and begging for food. Sounds fun, right? Feel active by living vicariously through the joggers, tag football teams, frisbeer, kite flyers. And feel extra creepy as you watch the sketchy lovebirds make out and fondle one another on a nearby park bench.

And on top of it all, this is easily best view of the Atlanta skyline, especially at sunset. And when the view is obstructed by bad weather, move inside for the "When it rains, we pour" drink specials.

What more could you ask for?


Honorable mentions:

These two are honorable mentions because I've yet to test their "outdoorsy" appeal. I've heard awesome things so, believe me, it won't be long before I can confirm their place in my nature-loving lifestyle.

Six Feet Under, Westside
I was a huge fan of the original location, but given they've moved to a new location which I have not yet tried, I didn't think it was right to include the old cemetary-front location. But believe me, it would've been #1 on my list. The new one apparently has awesome views but until I see it, I feel like it couldn't possibly be as cool as drinking Bloody Mary's while admiring the strangely beautiful horizon of gravestones.



RIP, old location.

Steamhouse Lounge, Midtown
Again, i was a fan of the old location in Buckhead. Especially for creating the wonderful spring Oysterfest every year. But the new one is conveniently located in an old house near my office. Thus will definitely be a new stop on my list. Perhaps as soon as this Friday.

Oysters, cold beer, sunshine, friends: it really doesn't get much better than that.



Stay tuned.